How to respond

A friend of mine recently posted a link to this article on her Facebook page:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend_n_5aa9801fe4b0004c0406d2fb?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003&fbclid=IwAR26qGe9TIko6oyVCOKXsM-WwwPKvAwBYyvvrbld2MId_FGfXHdMvuRbl-Q

While the title relates to "how to help a grieving friend", the content spoke to me in all conversations... here are some quotes that I am trying to take to heart:

... I didn’t know what to say, so I defaulted to a subject with which I was comfortable: myself.

That hits home...

... What all of these people needed was for me to hear them and acknowledge what they were going through. Instead, I forced them to listen to me and acknowledge me. 

Sociologist Charles Derber describes this tendency to insert oneself into a conversation as “conversational narcissism.” It’s the desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking and to turn the focus of the exchange to yourself. It is often subtle and unconscious.

...

Derber describes two kinds of responses in conversations: a shift response and a support response. The first shifts attention back to yourself, and the second supports the other person’s comment. Here is a simple illustration:

Shift Response
Mary: I’m so busy right now.
Tim: Me too. I’m totally overwhelmed.

Support Response
Mary: I’m so busy right now.
Tim: Why? What do you have to get done?

Here’s another example:

Shift Response
Karen: I need new shoes.
Mark: Me too. These things are falling apart.

Support Response
Karen: I need new shoes.
Mark: Oh yeah? What kind are you thinking about? 

In our "Healing the Wounds of Trauma" class, there were three questions recommended:

What happened?

How did you feel?

What was the hardest part?

 Simple questions that allow your friend to share what is going on in their heart.