But I stand amazed at how God is teaching me through this season of pain.
This is a LONG post, and intensely personal... I totally understand if you don't want to or can't read it, but I needed to write it...
I have recently been invited to join a Discipleship Group, or "D-group", with a few other ladies from our church. I am getting SO much out of studying the Bible in this way.
First, a little background - in our D-groups, we're using the F260 Bible reading plan:
https://replicate.org/f260-bible-reading-plan/
and keeping a HEAR journal:
https://replicate.org/what-is-a-hear-journal/
I have been keeping a HEAR journal over the past couple of years as Dwayne and I have used the Solid Life Whole Bible reading plan (https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/214-solid-life) on YouVersion. I pray before I start studying that God will show me what He wants to speak to me, and I read and pull out the scriptures that speak to me during that reading. I then apply the "HEAR" method to document what I see and hear from God in that passage.
Since I started with the D-group two weeks ago, the F260 plan was just finishing up the Old Testament and entering the New Testament. Many (most?) people do the 5 days of readings on Monday-Friday, but based on my current schedule, it works better for me to do the 5 days on Thursday-Monday. I am still doing the Solid Life plan in the morning, but am doing F260 in the evenings. As I have been so blessed by what I am getting out of Bible reading, one of the things that I particularly heard from God in the study last week was the importance of prayer (Mark 1:35 - If Jesus prioritized prayer to such a great extent, getting up "a long while before daylight" - even after he had probably been up late the night before as "the whole city was gathered together at the door" for healing - how could I not prioritize prayer in my life?). So, my goal this week was to spend quality time in prayer, doing whatever I need to do each day to get time alone with God. On Thursday evening, after D-group, I sat down with my journal and wrote my prayers and what I heard from God - writing helped immensely in keeping me from getting distracted.
Then Friday came... Friday evening, the reading was from Matthew 3-4. I was reading the passage, making notes about what I read in the scripture, the context of what was happening, and I got to Matthew 4:23-24 (ESV):
23 And he went throughout all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction among the people. 24 So his fame spread throughout all Syria, and they brought him all the sick, those afflicted with various diseases and pains, those oppressed by demons, those having seizures, and paralytics, and he healed them.Y'all, this was so incredibly hard for me to read. It reminded me of January and February when the Solid Life Bible Plan had us reading Matthew. Dwayne was in ICU, and it seemed that every day, Matthew's gospel had Jesus healing "every disease and every affliction". I looked back at my journal entries during that time... and I re-read the questions and anguish that those verses raised for me... here are some of the dates and the verses and my "A" (application) and "R" (response) entries from my journal.
2/8 Friday: Matt 9:20-22, 35 --
A: I am struck by the faith of the woman who came to touch Jesus' garment and her faith made her well.
And then scripture says that "Jesus went... healing every disease and every affliction."
Was the healing really of every disease and every affliction?
Why does God choose to heal only some now?
R: Father, I trust You, but it is hard.2/8 was the Friday before we officially stopped treatment on Monday, but, we had pretty much decided to discontinue treatment by then, so we were pretty sure that the end of Dwayne's life was within days...
2/9 Saturday: Matt 10:1 --
A: Jesus called His 12 disciples to come to Him, gave them authority to cast out unclean spirits, and to heal every disease and every affliction...
I looked at commentaries and other translations of the verse yesterday, and some indicated every *kind* of disease. In a similar way, other translations have translated this scripture as "every kind".
One of the commentaries indicated that only those who had faith were healed.
Faith in God or faith that Jesus could heal?
R: Father, I know that my mind is wrapped up in thoughts of healing. Give me, give us, the faith that we need.I remember that I talked with Dwayne about Jesus healing, and I remember that one of these nights, I woke up and Dwayne was talking... I got up to see if he was talking to me, and he said, "No, I'm just repeating those scriptures about Jesus healing all the diseases."
2/14 Thursday: "The things that Dwayne will soon see"
H: After greeting them, he related one by one the things that God had done among the Gentiles through his ministry (Acts 21:19)
And when the men of that place recognized him, they sent around to all that region and brought to him all who were sick and implored him that they might only touch the fringe of his garment. And as many as touched it were made well. (Matthew 14:35-36)
A: wouldn't it be amazing to have heard Paul's account of the things that God had done among the Gentiles through his ministry? Dwayne will get to hear this from Paul soon.
The men of the Gadarenes recognized Jesus because of the demoniac who was healed and witnessed of what Jesus had done for him.
"As many as touched the fringe of His garment were made well."
R: Father, I wish that Dwayne could touch the fringe of Jesus' garment in this world, but I thank You that he will soon touch Jesus and be completely healed.Dwayne left his earthly life and entered his eternal life in heaven later that day (at 3:15pm on Thursday, 2/14/2019, on his 73rd birthday).
So, back to present day, or at least, this past Friday, and Matthew 4:23-24. There it was again, Jesus was "healing every disease and every affliction". As I started writing my "A (application)", it became a prayer that revealed my broken view of God:
8/2 Friday - A: This section of scripture is so hard for me right now. I remember reading through Matthew at the end of January and beginning of February and seeing on nearly every day Jesus "healing every disease and every affliction". I see in my Journal from those days the hope that these verses gave, and, as the days passed and our choice had to be made to stop treatment, my wondering if the scripture was really true or if it meant (as some translations say) "every kind of disease and sickness" - so one person with cancer might be healed and another not, but Jesus proved He *could* heal cancer by healing at least one. I remember talking with Dwayne about this and then awakening in the night and hearing him talking, and when I went to him, he said that he was talking to God about the healing of all and not him. I wrote in my Journal - Father I trust You, but it is hard.
It is still hard. It is just plain hard.
I know that God knows best. I have confidence in His love for me and for Dwayne. But I am hurting.
I realize that I must confess to God that I am angry at Him for not choosing to heal Dwayne here. I know He had the power, but He chose not to. I know that You know best, but it is hard for me to see right this moment.
When I had said something about this right after Dwayne's death, the person I spoke with reminded me of something I had said almost 2 years before, that God *did* completely heal Dwayne. I said that, I know that, but that I don't think that is what Matthew means when he says that Jesus was healing every disease and every affliction. Of course the person was only quoting me and reminding me of something I had said earlier - that God had answered our prayers for healing (in another situation) by totally and completely healing the individual in heaven -- but not in the way that we intended in our prayers.
Do I really think that You are parsing my requests and figuring out how You can answer what I have asked but not what I meant? Father, I refuse to let satan lie to me that this is Your nature.
I know that You have the power to heal every single disease and illness - You had the power when You walked on the earth, and You have that power now. You have the wisdom to know who to heal and who not. I am not God, You are, and I trust You. I trust You.At about this time, I sent a quick text to my Prayer911 group that had supported Dwayne and me throughout so much of his illness, "I am struggling with some things that God is bringing up with me tonight and I would appreciate prayers." As they started praying for me, I kept on praying and journalling:
I am not going to let satan lie to me - You are trustworthy, You love me, You want what is best for me, Nothing takes You by surprise. You are faithful. Your loving-kindness endures FOREVER. You loved and love Dwayne so much more and more perfectly than I could love him. You know right now exactly what I need. You know the next step I need to take, and You are willing to show me. You are not some cosmic puppet-master, cackling from the sky. You love me, You want what is best for me, I can trust You with everything. I know that You will give me peace. I know that it was not that we did not have enough faith. I know that this is not our home. I am thankful for the gift that Dwayne was in my life. I know You will use even this time in my life to serve you to comfort someone else. I know that Your ways are higher than mine.One of my Prayer911 contacts texted me to remind me that I could call her if I needed, and she prayed with me over the phone.
Bind the enemy, guard my mind and my heart. Father, accomplish your purposes in my life. I thank You that You are the giver of Faith - I know that You are the Comforter, I need Your Comfort. Thank you, God, for all that You are to me. Thank You for graciously showing me the lies that I have been believing.A friend on campus had shared a video with me a couple of days earlier, but I had not had time to listen to it - when I looked at it after this session with God, it was the song "Healer" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyoVqtIG5yk). Again the tears poured down as I realized that I had been avoiding confessing God as Healer.
I have been unwilling to confess You as Healer. I have not been willing to trust You as Healer. I know that You are my Healer. I know that You are all that I need. You are more than enough for me.I was shocked by the lies that were exposed as God tenderly showed me my heart:
- How many times have I carelessly said or thought, "Be careful what you pray for." God revealed that, for me, this expressed a belief that God would figure out some way that He could answer the words of my prayer but not the intent. What a lie from the pit of hell!
- The lie that I couldn't trust God to heal. We didn't even pray for Dwayne to be healed - we prayed for God to be glorified through what we were going through, and we wanted Dwayne to be healed, but we didn't ask for it. Why? Is it because we didn't trust God to heal him? Is it because we did not want to risk having faith that would be disappointed? I'm still working through this one.
- In the GriefShare course, one of the sessions talked about asking God "Why?', and another session dealt with being angry at God. I remember thinking that these sessions didn't apply to me, that God was so gracious to us through Dwayne's illness (and He was, in SO many ways), and that we had made the decision to stop treatment... but God revealed that I was holding anger against Him, because He chose not to heal Dwayne here, and I was asking "Why didn't You choose to heal Dwayne?" I was being self-righteous and pompous and not admitting what was truly in my heart.
One of the losses that I have experienced with Dwayne's death is the loss of the person that I could talk with about what God was showing me, and to discuss and delve deeply into God's Word together. I am thankful that God is showing me that He is not only able, but He wants to be that person in my life, to teach me more about Himself, and to gently call me into a deeper relationship with Him. I am such a baby Christian in listening to God's voice, but He is encouraging me.
I am, indeed, wonderfully blessed.
p.s. I still don't like the question, "How are you?" because I really am *not* "Okay" or "Good", and there are days that I don't honestly believe that I am "Wonderfully blessed", but the truth is, I *am* wonderfully blessed, even when I don't feel like it!
For those of you who have read to this point, thank you for letting me share this...
No comments:
Post a Comment